Fourth in a Series of Letter to Yours Truly, from Loyalist Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

Fourth in a Series of Letters to Yours Truly, from Loyalist Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

Dear Sir,

Oh Troubled Youth, with Worry and Ignorance you have shown yourself to be Irrelevant. Our Great Lord has, in these past Days, applied himself to relieve the very Issue you fight against – that of the wanton spending of your Sweat, and endless accruement of Debt. Your Doubt is no longer needed, for He has taken such a Mighty Stand that I, while previously so sympathetic to your Worries, am assur’d by His grand Action that the Root of the Problem has been forever ax’d.

Just Yesterday, our Lord has gather’d togeth’r his Cabinet, and demanded they forthwith seek out and cut down the extra Expenditures that have been left by the previous Administration. And, like a Magic Lantern suddenly shining ‘to a dark Basement, they have uncover’d and remov’d piles of Fat and Excess from all sorts and shapes of Budgets.

As reported in the Colonial Nightly News, the Grand Collection of Motherland Protection will forevermore purchase their Papyrus in large Quantity, thus saving a Pocketful of Coppers. Our Farming Committee will gather in one Tent, instead of the previous Seven, thus saving Three Silver Sterlings every year, although the cost of Movement into the Facilities is Four. Our Regimented Army will no longer have their previously plann’d Meetings, and your Labour will be lightened by the Worth of Three Sheep. And our Universities will now assign a scribe to every Forty Scholars, instead of every Thirty-Eight, saving a light Handful of Pennies over the next Seven Years (See, Child, even I must sacrifice for the Good of the Country!).

Do not tarry in Thought, blathering on about how small of an amount this is compar’d to the Deep Pockets of our Treasury’s Pants. The Grand One has made a Bold and Sure-footed Step Forward, declaring himself against the Great Debt his predecessor left him. Surely you see the Dedication to Frugality embodied in this late Declaration. Yes, He has invested far more in the Preservation of the East India Company, and this saves less money than the Senators use yearly in maintaining their modest Lifestyles, but the intentions behind it are of Pure and Noble Heart.

I hope this News warms your heart, and settles your Mind, even with the concurrent closing of the Boston Harbor until the notoriously wasted Tea is repaid in full. For while Our Majesty is surely saving the State in every Manner possible, the Worth of that which you destroy’d does exceed the amount that is thus projected to be saved. The Motherland needs the money, lest His Majesty not be able to sail by Private Galleon down the River when he has a Demand to travel.

In High Hopes,

Janus Figstaffe

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