Third in a Series of Letters to Yours Truly, from Loyalist Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

Third in a Series of Letters to Yours Truly, from Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

Dear Sir,

With much Discomfirt do I attend the news that your Actions have won Respect throughout the Colonies, and that, thru some Strange Muddlement, you are now consider’d Good Patriots. My Hand fumbl’s with the Quill it grasps, as an Angry Spirit stirs within me at the very Thought of such a Mockery of our Great Leader. I hear Rumours that these so called Sons of Liberty are planning a Continental Congress, in Defiance of the Capital, and do toss out Threats of Secession and Independence under some wild Claim of Constitutional Rights. Do not mingle with such Agitators, Child, for the Legislation here is already in talks of stamping out the Traitors in your Midst, so that they do not lose their Jobs to some Wild Antics. Know – that there is nothing a Senator will not do or say to keep his Position.

I am astounded to hear you claim that, in fact, this Administration’s Current Policies had actually lower’d the price of the Tea you dump’d, yet still you protested out of a Sense of Principle. Did He not promise Cheaper or Equally Priced Tea for all but five-in-a-hundred of you, and indeed fulfill this Promise? So why should the Presence of a Tax cause Irritation in your Souls, when that Duty goes to such a Good Cause as Creating or Saving jobs. No, you were not given Consultation on its Existence, and no, you have no Principl’d Man to defend you on the Floor of the House, but why should this be of Concern when you are given Tea for so Cheap. Does this not Purchase your Happiness?

You seem to forget that Principles are without Meaning in Politicks, and that to achieve Greatness, one must be Bipartisan and Co-operate, always listening to He Who Leads, whose history is filled with great Moments of Bringing Together Enemies. And while I cannot give any Examples, I can show you many Clippings from Articles that repeat, and therefore prove, his Reputations Truth. So concede in your Desires, and soften your Harden’d Heart, so that together we may make Lukewarm and Drinkable Water out of your Boiling Rage.

Abandon your Natural Rights, foolish boy, they are but a Holy Grail, and simply cannot keep your Safety as well as He can. You talk and talk that the Parliament does not rule you, but that you rule the Parliament, such a laughable Notion. Do you truly believe that, as a Hypothesis, your small-town Mayor S—h P—-n, with a Quaint Accent and Small-Framed Glasses, and a Barbarous Proclivity for Hunting and Skinning Mooses, could possibly know anything of Running Nations? Preposterous! The Common Man is good only for following Law, he knows not what is best for himself, and certainly not for others. Only those of us who run in High Circles are qualified to make such Decisions. Brainless Colonists should keep their Mouths unopened, and simply follow the Mandates of the Politickals.

Never forget that our Leader is a Peacemaker, and that unless you bring him to Anger, or happen to own Riches that he knows to be better used in Other Hands, he will do all he can to provide for you. But rise his Wrath, and he will pen such a Strongly Worded Letter as to Lambast you in front of all, fully revealing your Inequities and Trivialities.

Last, but not the Least, know that Our Leader gives you Life, Liberty, and Property, and any Excess of these must be return’d. For many cannot help their Follies and Failures, being but Natural Beasts, and should they be unable to retain and save as much as you, the Government will endlessly provide for their Vice thru your Virtue, so that none will be Inconvenienc’d. For if they cannot be made Comfortable in their Poverty, why should you be Comfortable in your Riches?

Hoping You Reform,

Janus Figstaffe

Advertisements
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: