Second in a Series of Letters to Yours Truly, from Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

Second in a Series of Letters to Yours Truly, From Loyalist Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

Dear Sir,

It is Disagreeable for you to respond to your Elder with Wit and general Mouthiness; and while I am pleased that you are asking Questions of so deep a Nature, nonetheless, I beg for you to try and refrain from Satyre and Irony, for such Tools should only be used against Enemies of the State. For proper Comedic Relief, see a certain J—-n S–w–t, who applied such a cutting tongue against the Happenings in Boston in his Daily Newspaper that I am sure the Publik will never take a serious look towards your Movement in the Near Future. Remember, Child, that only those loyal to Him have a develop’d Sense of Humour, as we are keenly aware of what is Truly Funny, and what is only Offensive. Perhaps I will speak more on such a topic in the Future, but beware, for now, of any jokes that target our Majesty – such jokes show only Bigotry and Ignorance.

To Answer your Retort, while I am quite aware that you and your Cohorts may never have personally met Mr. A—-s, and that he was, as you say, attempting to prevent you from going to the Docks, he has, in Publik, defended your Actions that Night with Spirit and Forcefulness. Can you not see this Overwhelming Proof that hangs on his neck like an Amulet of Guilt? If he were not the Ringleader of this Mob, he most assuredly would have violently denounc’d and thumb’d his Rich Nose at your actions, as those of us who were not involv’d have done. Therefore, with no Doubt, I convey to you that Mr. A—-s was the instigator, both Financially and Philosophically, regardless of your Lack of Contact with such a fellow. Additionally, Colonial Nightly Newspaper has already printed that he is Responsible, and as they are, in all Academic Views, quite Fair, I will pocket no other Arguments on this Matter.

As to the Deeper Issue, you seem to be quite Ignorant of the Causes of the Taxes you so abhor. The East India Company has, for many Years, employ’d large Quantities of Seamen, Planters, Pickers, and Sellers. When our Good Government, exhausted from War, levied a Tax on Tea, us in Academia expected nothing but the Happy Cooperation of the Citizens in maintaining these Pitiful Workers, who are Patriotic to the Core. Yet, due to the Scribblings and Yelpings of those like Th–m–s P—-e and B—j—-n F–l—n, Extremists and Haters who flood the Streets with their Loud and Angry Voices, and who, additionally, are quite Obese (never, dear boy, trust a Man who cannot see his Feet – unless he agrees in all things with our Leader), the Minds of the Commoners were poison’d and corrupted. They refus’d to purchase the Tea provided to them by their Protectors in the State, and resorted to Smuggling and Piracy to avoid but a One Quarter of Price Tax! Consequently, the East India Company is now in Grave Danger of financial Collapse!

Do you not understand that this great British Institute is Too Grandiose, Too Ostentatious, and Too Supportive of Our Government to Dissolve? What will happen to the Employees who bustle to and fro, across the World, to make the Tea you suddenly have no Desire to drink? Should they lose their Jobs so that you may purchase cheap, quality Japanese Tea, or, say it not, Korean Tea? Our Great Leader sees the Folly in this, and recognizes the Stupidity of the Everyday Man, and through Legislative Action, will save our Friends at the East India Company with this Tax! Halter your silly desire for Low Prices, and take your need for Competitive Markets by the Reign, and set them out to pasture. The One who Protects Us knows which Companies will do us better, and will, if need be, make Legislation to secure their Well-Being. Remember, that while you may desire Quality, the One knows that some Companies simply need Your Money more than you do.

For this Tax is to help those who are Less Fortunate than us, and so, while I do not drink Tea and so do not contribute to this Cause myself, to Belittle the Tax is to Belittle the Poor and Impoverish’d, who are too Weak and Sickly and Ignorant to do anything on their own. As I know you are quite the Tea Drinker, I tell you that it is your Duty as a Vertuous Citizen, and Publick Figure, to drink even more Tea and pay even more Tax, so that the East India Company may continue to Employ your Countrymen.

Charity is called on by God, so our Leader will force it through the Government, on penalty of Arrest. Distance yourself from this Tea Party, lest those who write the Newspapers and Gazettes accuse you of Hating the Poor, or of Owning Too Much. These charges are devastating against Men such as yourself, for unless you are part of the Government Itself, you have no Right to own more than your Neighbor. Riches are for Senators and Academics, and since you do not have the Proper Views to be either, pursue not your Revolutionary Ideals.

Awaiting Your Reply,

Janus Figstaffe

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