First in a Series of Letter to Yours Truly, from Loyalist Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

First in a Series of Letter to Yours Truly, from Loyalist Janus Figstaffe, circa. 1774

Dear Sir,

It is with much Disappointment that the news of last month’s Actions has reach’d my humble Ears. In addition, I can not help admitting to my Distress on hearing of your active participation in such an Event, and write this Letter in hopes to calm your young and misguided Mind, perhaps even to give you a Cure to your Woes. Listen to my Words with strict Attention, may they ring Sense into your Conscious.

I know you are convinced that the Country is behind you – like all Young Men, you are curs’d with such Naivety, and consider that any Thing that you believe to be Truth must certainly be the sentiment of your Fellow Man. Unfortunately, rarely is Youth pair’d with Truth. Taking but a minute of my Time, I quickly uncover’d that none but Samuel Adams, a Revolutionary of such despicable Character and Impiety, had organiz’d and funded your childish Rebellion, and implanted the Idea in all of your Minds that it was a Spontaneity, and that the Winds of Change had prompted you to dump the Goods of our Motherland into the turgid Waters.

Know this, that Samuel Adams is a Danger to our Nation, nothing more than a Anarchist, who believes in such Follies as Democracy and Republics, nonsense ideas that spit in the Face of our Beloved Leader, and thus, spit in the Face of God Almighty Himself. For God appointed the Government to protect us from Ourselves, and lead us into the Light of Vertue thru good Speech and subtle Action. This Samuel Adams is but a man of Riches, who, with Hatred in one hand, and his self-funded Newspaper in the other, fools such Fools as you and yours, and leads them to such acts as happen’d last December.

Listen, oh Child, have you not been to the proper Universities? Have you not heard from the Mouths of Scholars, the futility of such Ventures that you call for? I have Lists I could send to you of Quotes from many men smarter than you may ever hope to be. The Good Newspapers tease Boston now, as it has proven itself to be made of Nimwits, uneducated in the simple Theorems that dominate Academia. Throw away your Pride, and fall in with the Professors and Doctors who know the World better than you. Enroll yourself in a Class on the Failures of Individuals of the World, as well as one on the Beauty and Success of our Current Leader, and further yourself as a Scholar.

Remember, that your Religion demands you Love and Cherish the good Ruler of our United Nation, who was anointed by God, and who is said to have gone to Church on occasion, in front of large Crowds so that all would know his Goodness, and so that he may converse with the Bishops who lead great Crowds of us through this Life. Dare not question him, Boy, for there are Religious Men who can raise their holy Hands in affirmation that he did, indeed, stay awake during the Sermons. Which is more than can be said for you, as I can attest to.

Truly, there is more to be said, and many Letters will I write to you, should you be willing to listen to a Superior Tongue. Happily will I answer Questions so as to dispel any Fog of Ignorance that has moved over your Eyes, no doubt fed and thickened by the gaping Mouths of the Ringleaders of this Tea Party of yours. Should you be willing, I will deposit a Page of Truths on Wealth and Riches in the near future, so that you may learn the necessary Facts on the Taxes you so ignorantly abhor.

Remember, that I do all this because you, like all Men, are but Common, and cannot know the ways of our Leader, who brings Hope to the Realm of Men, straight from God, who wishes nothing but to Change the Nature of our pitiful Bodies. Do not stand in the way of God, Dear Son, lest he use our Nations Leader to dismiss and ignore you in his Conferences with his Servants. For verily, none care about the Happenings in Boston, and nothing will come of it.

Truly Yours,
Janus Figstaffe

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